sometimes it's hard

For the most part, I am happy with my decision to work from home while Alice is at daycare during the day. When I first came on board as a full partner at my company, I only worked four days/week and took every Friday off to spend time with Alice. Slowly, as the company has grown, that arrangement has evolved to our current situation where she is in daycare full time all week.

I am lucky to have the flexibility that I do, I know. I am lucky that I don't have to rush in the early mornings to get in a car or on the TTC to commute an hour away. I am lucky I don't have to deal with a boss looking at his/her watch when I come in late because my toddler had a tantrum. I am lucky I don't have to take my vacation time when my child is sick for two weeks straight with the croup. I am lucky I have a business partner who totally understands when I say " sorry, but today and tomorrow I am off as Alice is sick." I am lucky I don't have to race against the clock at the end of the day to go pick up my kid at daycare so I can then race home to start dinner. All in all, I am lucky.

But just because I get to enjoy some perks doesn't mean I don't still sometimes feel guilty or sad that my child is spending key hours of her development away from me. Today I called daycare to check up on her (it seemed a cough was developing in the morning) and the child care worker said "oh she's having a great time outside playing hockey right now." Hockey. My two year old is outside in the fresh air lauging away and running around with her friends that I don't really know and I am here in my home office feeling sad. She is only two years old, yet her life has already expanded far beyond me. And while I love my job and see how happy Alice is in her social situation at daycare, I also sometimes ache for the days when it was just her and I. When I would spend hours with her in the baby carrier bouncing around (she was a baby who liked to be held or worn, a lot). When her every movement and milestone was a part of my daily inner dialouge: she learned to hold up her head! She smiled for the first time! She is walking! You get my drift.

I guess I will always struggle with trying to balance my choices against my feelings - motherhood has mixed them up together for eternity. I know there will be other challenges down the road ("I hate you!"), but for now at least I will try to enjoy the hours I do spend with her and remember to take off more afternoons to spend together. It is the oldest cliche in the book but the time does go by so quickly. And I want to bottle it all - even the sadness I feel on a day like today.