my balancing act

One of the main reasons I called this blog "Tripping The Life Unbalanced" was that I wanted the title to somehow reflect my ongoing struggle with a fragmented life. What follows is probably going to be a pity party, so read no further if you just ain't in the mood.

When I look at the important parts of my life, I see: mother, partner, business owner, sister, friend, etc etc. Those first three tags in particular are always battling with each other for a dominant position, and I sometimes feel cheated out of what I think should be a more "balanced" life. Good lord knows what that even is. Maybe one that involves more time for just me?

Today was one of those days where I felt particularly agigated and downright frustrated at my unbalanced act. I had a situation arise with one my clients that was shitty to deal with, and that involved me getting into a heated argument over the phone in my office. Matt came home with Alice while this was going on, and they immediately sat down to this delicious stew I had made for dinner. After I dealt with the phone call, I came downstairs all pissed and got to see Matt and Alice sharing in my slaved-over stew. With freshly pink faces from the cold outside and laughing. You would think this would have made me happy. But the tension from this client situation, of course, boiled over and I was snapping at them both while we all ate dinner. We decided to go the local library after dinner to pick up some books, and (hopefully) get rid of the bad mood I was in.

I just couldn't come down off the hatred cloud. All I wanted to do was enjoy the fruits of my labour (stew) with my family and have a relaxing evening. What I ended up with was a energetic toddler at the Gerrard/Ashdale library wanting my attention and only getting the worst of me. And all mainly because this client drives me crazy. And then of course I feel guilty that I can't relax and have fun with my little girl which makes me feel worse and so on and so on.

I have a problem with perfection, I think. Even though I think I am fine with the general clutter and chaos of all of my roles, sometimes it really sucks to have so many. And so many that involve tending to the needs of others. When all I want to do is read a good book in the bath. By myself.

I know this all seems a little whiney and really - how hard do I have it? But it's my space, dammit, and I'll cry in it if I want to.

Blech. I think I'm going to go watch my taped episodes of Huff and eat those delicious biscuits I brought home from France. Nothing beats a crabby mood like relatively-OK American drama and butter biscuits.